Come Back To Me
by LCFC
Summary: Dean remembers HIS Sammy.  Spoilers for Episodes 6 & 7 of Season 6


If he looks hard enough, Dean can see his baby brother looking out at him from cold, dark eyes.

He can see a chubby baby boy, plump hands reaching for him, staggering on bare feet towards him trying not to slip on a threadbare carpet. He can see deep dimples and an even deeper determination, he can see someone who loves him and trusts him, he can see Sammy.

Sam was always the soft one; the sensible one; the one who had a conscience. Even as a teenager when he finally joined the hunt, Sam was always the last one to shoot, always the first one to ask questions. Dean used to think that Sam was the best of them, his dad used to think Sam was stubborn. Maybe, Dean mused, it was a little bit in between.

When he had come back to Stanford to get Sam's help he found it hard to see Sammy in that strong, focussed young man. Sammy had grown up and was no longer a 'chubby twelve year old'. Sam had his own home, his own girlfriend, his own life. He didn't want or need a big brother anymore – or so it seemed.

Later, sitting in the car, the stink of smoke and death far behind them, Dean saw the need and trust in those speckled hazel eyes, saw the hope – however fruitless – that big brother could fix this mess. Dean knew it was impossible but he pretended anyway. He knew what Sam needed right then and there and he was determined to give it to him.

Even back on the hunt Sam was still the cautious one, the sensible one, the one who would ask questions first and shoot much later. He always seemed to be saving Sam from monsters who wanted to rip his heart out or choke him to death. Sam was a big guy, strong and able and he could have saved himself in an instant, but Sam was still soft at heart, still had hope and still longed to be normal. Dean accepted that, it was part of his little brother, a big part and he never really wanted it to change.

After their dad died and Dean went into meltdown he knew that he wouldn't have survived if not for Sam. Sam was still his baby brother and Sam still needed him but not as much as he needed Sam. Sam still didn't kill monsters but that wasn't his biggest fear or concern. No Sam's main worry and concern was that he was going to become a monster and Dean – Dean was going to have to kill him. In fact Sam made him promise, made him promise over and over and Dean – Dean would do anything for his Sammy.

Dean remembers Madison and Sam's tears; he had never seen his brother cry like that before, even after Jess, even after dad and he knew that Sam was thinking not only of the beautiful woman he was going to have to kill but of his own fate, a fate Sam didn't think he would avoid.

If he looks hard enough now, Dean can still see a distant remembered fear in those oddly opaque eyes. He can still remember the first time he saw Sam kill a man in cold blood, remember Sam's face splattered in blood and Jake choking to death on the graveyard floor. He wonders if that was when everything started to go wrong, wonders if he should blame himself for bringing Sammy back, back into a world that clearly wanted to change Sam and not for the better.

He remembers Gordon's head flying from his body and landing in a bloody pool at Sam's feet; he remembers Alistair ripped apart as Sam just stood there and stared at him. He tries to remember when Sam changed from his quite, considering Sammy into a cold, calculating hunter. He tries to remember what good times they might have had before Sam plunged into the pit to save the world and, as he stares at this Sam – this new Sam – he realises that he can't, that he just plain can't…

Dean knew – from the get go – that there was something up with his brother; he knew from the hug, from the half smile, from his sudden aloofness and his total disregard for human life. He had lost Sammy – he was sure of it – and for a long while he wondered if it were Lucifer back from the pit to torment him.

He wasn't afraid; not really because he didn't think it was Sam – he thought it was a monster, a shifter or a demon because his Sam – his Sammy – wouldn't do any of these things, couldn't.

The biggest punch in the gut was that this wasn't a monster but it was Sam and Dean couldn't bear it, couldn't face it, couldn't believe that this creature – this thing – was really his brother.

But now - if he looks hard enough, Dean can see his baby brother looking out at him from cold, dark eyes – he can hear his Sammy asking, pleading for help and he wants to help, he does, but he doesn't know how.

All he wants is that chubby little baby who loved and trusted him, that sensible, cautious young man who had his whole future mapped out for him; that gentle soul who would never really wanted to hunt or to hurt.

But that gentle soul is gone and Dean doesn't know where to find it.

So he stares into those sloe like depths and hopes – hopes that one day his Sammy will come back to him and they will be brothers again…

End


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